| let the good times roll |
[26 Nov 2005|11:21am] |
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music |
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all the music from previous years |
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it's been awhile.
I spent my morning reading through a bunch of old entries.
It's really showed me how much i've changed these past few years: how much i've learned: and how much other people have changed.
The changes aren't all bad.. but ive really noticed what a selfish person ive become.
I need to stop. It's sad to look back and see myself talking about people on this thing.. using the context of [you, she, he, them, they, etc.] as if they wont be able to read it and figure it out.. but people aren't stupid.
I read one entry.. i totally let all my feelings out. I wrote that back in april. someone anonymous commented back in june " i didn't know i was like that.. im sorry but i love you a lot".. I don't even remember what i was so mad about anymore.
but that just helped me open my eyes. i want to become a better person.. its gunna take awhile but im working on it.
But what i did enjoy about reading all those old entries, was being able to compare my life back then to what i've got now. A lot is different now. I thought i fell in love with someone back in freshman year. but heck the person i have in my life now is 1000 times better and treats me better too. what if i still held onto that "love" back in 9th grade.. i wouldnt have what is present.
I also lost a lot of frienships on this road of life. and for stupid stuff too like: boys, jealousy, being retarded, popularity, just for whatever... im trying really hard to mend the things that have been ripped.
I've gotten into a lot of fights with people.. my goal is to just stop it all.. and not care.. just let things pass.
As i read the entries i looked at songs that i was listening to at the time.. its funny how certain songs strike up memories and feelings. By listening to some of the songs it takes me back to exactly how i felt at that time. Some songs make me want to cry.. i had some really difficult times.. but a lot of the other songs just make me think of what an awesome life i had.
( In an old entry I wrote: )
now that i know what this year has brought me.. i don't think i would trade it for anything else.. everything panned out. i have what i need in life.. and im not looking for anything else. unless it comes to me. the only thing i want to change now.. is to just become a better person.
well thats my lj update. its been a really long time.
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| Got a job |
[12 Jul 2005|01:52pm] |
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sooo i work at Buckle now!!!!! and i start training next week! eesh man this past week has been incredibly amazing!
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| nice clean fun! |
[10 Jul 2005|11:12am] |
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mood |
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 FANTASTIC! |
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music |
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TOM PETTY!!!! |
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wow so this past week has just been so amazing!! i can't remember having this much fun... but anyways so it basically started on tuesday when i went to lunch with my mom and we ran into Alana and her mom outside the mall in back near the theater so we stopped and talked for a lil bit then later that night Alana and I went to the YMCA to go work out and it was fun and we got a lot of talking done and it was rad... then we planned out wednesday. Wednesday came and i had Alana and Lo over and we went to Red Robin ate a ton of food then came back to my place and just chilled and watched helllllla movies til like 5 in the morning! we woke up and had POPTARTS!!! yum! then Lo had to go but Lana and I still chilled and went on the computer ate some more food like a grilled cheese sandwhich that was the icing on the cake...but to make things way better Alana called her mom to pick us up and we headed back to her house. Then aunt janelle came over and we went to Michaels to go buy some poster and paint to make a HUGE sign for Tony for saturday cuz of brass in the grass and him and matt f. were perfoming so we stayed up late painting and stuff and just lounging around and talking it was way fun! then alana and i stayed up until like 3 or 4 just watching movies and talking til there was no tomorrow. friday comes along and we got ready for the day then we headed to the mall and just had the times of our lives.. i have never had so much fun at the mall before haha.. after that lanas dad picked us up and we went GROCERY SHOPPPPING!! haha that was realllly fun hahahaa.. so we got back to her house and the poster for Tony still isn't done yet so i stay another night painting and then we got into the hot tub at 1 and stayed til like 4 and it was soooo relaxing and once again lana and i just talked til there was no tomorrow.... then saturday morning comes we finally finish the poster and i go home but then i meet up with thtem at the husky stadium for brass in the grass... we go to the back and talk to tony and matt falk and it was realllly nice cuz i havent seen them since like the last day of school and i miss them so much!! and then i got to see my brother and matt mitchell too and it was just soo nice to see all the guys. i miss them alll sooooo much ah only 5 more weeks to go til they come home. but they all seem like they are having way too much fun on tour! but anyways so after brass in the grass which got over at like 1030 we left after saying our last goodbye to everyone and then meilene krystle and i headed to Dicks and that was some mighty goooood food! then i headed home and just crashed on my bed.
i really havent had this much fun in forever... it seems like i didnt do anything much.. but this was seriously the highlight of my summer... i hope the rest of summer is just as fun.. and im counting the days til all the boys come home.. well thats about it.. hope all of you guys have a great day! luvs ♥♥♥
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[04 Jul 2005|11:56pm] |
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music |
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phantom planet |
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oh goodness.. the 4th was good hung out with some old friends, went out to dinner and got caught up..
tomorrow... 4pm, 2nd interview at Buckle, hope i get the job.. fingers crossed! wish me luck!
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| its about time. |
[02 Jul 2005|01:36pm] |
why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit
why are you wearing that stupid man suit?!?!
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| stuck in a rut |
[16 Jun 2005|11:17pm] |
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mood |
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 thinking... |
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music |
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the shins |
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going back in time... November.
shit happens and then you die.
it's always hard to realize what gets left behind.. to look back and see the only thing you wanted is lost.. and is still missing even though sometimes you feel like you are on the right track but then u end up getting lost again. and u run into traps that lead u into the wrong direction but then u find ur way back to the path of life and u keep on trekking but now youre tied.. which way to go then u look back and remember where you come from and why you started the journey in the first place.
weird.. i remember exactly a year ago, and specifically a certain conversation that changed my life
I've been scarred for life, it really sucks
so emotionally tied to something that i shouldnt be.. i need to move on but its impossible. I'm afraid of change.
But im excited to see what next year has in store for me.. maybe i will find the rest of the way on this path.. im stuck in mud, calling for help.. and only one person can help me.. im not ready to admit that to them yet.. or anyone
i feel stupid.
but.. yet again shit happens.. then you die.
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| so tired |
[08 Jun 2005|04:16pm] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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music |
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Something Corporate-North-I won't make you |
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I'm way stressed out right now! i can't even begin to think of the things that used to make me happy. I have become mute. I can't talk to the people i used to love talking to, i broke my own heart, i can't smile for real and know that it's a genuin "selena" kind of smile; i'm drowning in this never ending sea of stress. I am falling behind with my sleep, mostly because i can't get to sleep at night. I've just transformed into this selfless person, the life has been sucked out of me. I miss the good old days when i knew who i could trust, who i wanted to be, who i wanted to be with, and what i wanted to do. It's all disappeared in my life. I swear i have nothing to look forward to anymore.. just the realization that i lost everything that made me who i was. I don't know what made me who i am today. I want to sleep... Sleep forever and never wake up. Then wake up and be someone completely different.. someone who knew what they wanted and would thrive to go out and get it, no questions asked. I've lost feeling in all areas, I am numb.
That's pretty much what i have to say about life right now.
BUT! I am excited for this weekend and summer.. shopping with haley and lauren this saturday.. and summer to just hang out with Lo!
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| wow |
[04 Jun 2005|10:01am] |
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mood |
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 peeeeved beyonf belief! |
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music |
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none |
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so havent written in a long time.. so much has happened in the past month it almost amazes me.. but i guess all i really have to share.. is .. when dealing with a problem it's good to look at all sides of a story, the motive for each persons doing, make it into a game of clue, trying to figure out why someone said or did something in particular... be understanding. I'd like to think that i do that to the best of my ability.. i will fully take blame for certain situations that happened earlier this year.. but for whats going on right now.. I can make myself take part of the blame.. but i really don't believe i should be taking any at that.. and then theres that certain person whos just kinda of throwing all of this out there making it more and more complicated and is saying that none of it is their fault. That really peeves me. Sometimes you just have to face reality, stop trying to make it into your own fantasy and move on... things don't change just because you want it to.. there mos def needs to be a legit. reason.. and at this point there really isn't and im content with everything right now.. so if you aren't that get out of my life.. because friends are supposed to be fun.. and I haven't been having fun with you for the past month.. I've been stressed out worrying what i could to make you happy.. but really you should be thinking of what you're saying about me before you start criticizing and think is it worth it to lose a best friend.. but its kind of too late to realize and go back; im so done with everything and ive moved on to a group of friends that have been there with me since elementary school. LOVE YOU! KEL KASSIE AND LO!
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| HmmMmmmmMM |
[27 Apr 2005|05:09pm] |
EVERYONE NEEDS TO FUCK OFF!!!!!!!
cuz you all suck.. cept for lauren cuz shes rad like that... but uh yeah
... you guys are all lying BITCHES SO SUCK IT!...
YOU PLOTTING CONNIVING BITCH!!!
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[09 Apr 2005|01:20pm] |
holy shit.. i forgot i even had this.. well.. lifes been sweet. but ive been having these really bad headaches that start at the place where the top of the nose and the side of the eye meet... like right in the middle of my face and then it travels to the back of my head slowly.. its slow and painful it really hurts...
ok well.. how is everyone doing?! hope its going well..
uh its spring break and im gunna go to downtown seattle with some good pals.. so peace out everyone
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| to end and to begin, stop and start |
[18 Mar 2005|11:34pm] |
these past few weeks have been filled with eventful, shocking, disappointing, and fun moments.
i want to stop thinking that it's my fault for the faults that you bring to view
i want to stop thinking that i feel that i have to make you happy... when i need to make me happy
i want to stop thinking that in actuality even though ive only tried to make you happy ive actually made you sad
i want to stop thinking about this period.
i want to start feeling open to other people and not to just you
i want to end this misery that this has brought me
i want to end the pain
i want to end wasting my time thinking about this constantly
i want to end caring.
i want to begin to know a new person
yet i think i found that new person... only he really isn't so new.
i want start the final stage of the starting of you and i.
these past few weeks have been filled with eventful, shoking, disappointing, and fun feelings.
i have felt more in the past few weeks then i think i have felt in my whole life. im greatful.. but im not. i need a break.
so its time to give it a break.
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| a day of disappointment |
[09 Mar 2005|08:17pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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never thought i could feel so many feelings in just one day.
im disappointed that we lost the game today at state.. but tomorrow we get another chance hopefully we get it together and we can win big!
im disappointed in someone so close to me for doing something so degrating.
im disappointed at myself for letting my feelings get control over me and for me being rude to so many people today.
im tired and just plain disappointed at everything and frustrated with everything and everyone. im sorry for this. just try and ignore my bitchyness in the next few days! so sorry!
but much love from me to all of you. SELENA
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| school sux |
[08 Mar 2005|11:24pm] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
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music |
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gary jules- mad world |
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WOW school is KILLLLLER! ahhhh
i am failing two of my classes! wtf?! is going on! i have never gotten an F before in my life! not even in math! rar midquarter just screwed me up the ass!
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| weekend gone |
[06 Mar 2005|01:08pm] |
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mood |
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life is goood |
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music |
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RHCP |
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It's Sunday... and there is school tomorrow.. rarr the weekend goes by too quickly!
anyways yesterday was an exhausting day, i had dance from 9 to 11 and then i had winterpit/winterline practice from 2 to 6 but i had to leave at 530 to go over to my cheer coaches house for a pregame dinner with the squad, then we departed for the game at 7 and the game started at 8.. it was against terrace.. and we freaking woN!!! can u believe that! second time against them this season and we won both games! and next week we are goin to the dome for STATE!!!! but anyways after that i came home and chilled and Chris, Tony, and Allison came over and we watched Billy Madison and Finding Nemo. I fell asleep during some of the movie cuz i was sooooo tired, but oh well.. then they left at like 2 am. and yeah that concluded my night so i headed to bed and slept REALLLY WELLL! i havent been sleeping too well so it was really nice to get my energy back up.
so theres school tomorrow and im not looking forward to it.. I have a test tomorrow in chem and I really don't know how to do anything on it so im screwed! YAY!..
well hope you guys had a fantabulous weekend.
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| space |
[02 Mar 2005|10:31pm] |
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mood |
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 :nothing: |
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music |
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nirvana- smells like teen spirit |
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space:Sufficient freedom from external pressure to develop or explore one's needs, interests, and individuality.
thats the definition of my life right now.
thank you for understanding.
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[27 Feb 2005|09:44pm] |
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mood |
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so sorry! |
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music |
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sugarcult |
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I need to stop trusting friends and start trusting myself.
I tend to get myself into way bigger messes by involving other people in situations I can just deal with myself. Why do I do this?!
Then I end up getting hurt or hurting people that mean the most to me! and regretting stupid stuff that I do! I wish I could take it back. So sorry...
Man I sure have been saying sorry a whole lot, I really need to stop that. Well... stop getting myself into situations where I have to apologize for doing something wrong. Wow.. I've fucked up more in this past month then I have all year cummalitve.
rarr.. just thinking.
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[27 Feb 2005|05:18pm] |
fucked up big time...
life is over as we know it!
im gunna die now!
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[22 Feb 2005|09:15am] |
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music |
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Beatles- Here comes the sun |
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look at life through a magnifying glass. Take a close look at the seams of life... how it's sown together... how it's frayed apart... how we always find a way to mend it back together...
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| just looking for some closure... |
[17 Feb 2005|11:42pm] |
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I've been waiting... I've been talking... I've been thinking.. I've been missing.
I just wish I could go back in time, ask you what ever happened and if it was something I did. We never got a good "closure".. actually we never had a closure. I can honestly say that there is never a day where I don't think about what happened and why we aren't even friends anymore. I wish I could go up to you today and ask you all the questions I have racked up in the back of my head, because I just want some answers. I've never felt this way... and I like that i do feel this way about someone, but at the same time, it's the most painful feeling ever. I think what I need is to just talk to you and get things finally cleared. I'd be freed.
I've waited for a long time to finally forget and let go, but for some reason that seems to be impossible.
I've talked to my closest friends.. whom you are friends with also... they say I just need to talk to you... and finally come to a closure.. even though it's so late now..
I've thought of all the things i could do.. and I think i just need to become friends with you now.. and hopefully eventually bring it up.. because i just want to know.
I've missed how before if i ever questioned what was going on... I knew I could right off the bat ask you, without feeling weird or dumb.
I miss having you in my life.. as a person I truly had feelings for, a really good friend, or someone I just said hi to everyday... not someone i saw everyday, but couldn't even make eye contact with, I hate having that.
I know, now is really not the time to get this out there... but... it has been in my mind for the longest time... maybe in the near future we can become friends again.
And if you ever thought that i just didn't care about us becoming friends again, or disregarded your feelings, that was never the case. Because i was always just afraid I would make a fool of myself in front of you.. and I never wanted that. I was too afraid to say anything.. or maybe it was that I was too afraid to care because I had already gotten hurt so much by you.
Maybe someday I can finally approach you and just talk to you about everything.. even though it happened so many months ago. I just really want to be friends with you again.
someday..
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| in the mood. |
[17 Feb 2005|05:10pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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classical gas |
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i wanna go dancing outside while its raining...
( ..with you... )
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